I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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