The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize