i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
