Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
