Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
