just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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