I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I woke up under a house in Key West
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
