i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
