It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
