He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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