When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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