Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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