Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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