There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
