It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
