i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
