I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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