The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
this boner is exhausting
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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