she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
