Got a toothbrush?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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