I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm like, not good at living.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
