Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
