i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
