Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
