I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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