"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
