One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
