i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
