cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
