Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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