Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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