I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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