hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i was born a porn star she said
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize