Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
