She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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