What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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