I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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