I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
