he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize