Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
