Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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