So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
