I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
