in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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