it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm sobbing to NWA
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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