dude i'm inner monologue high
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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