I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
