shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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