Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
