I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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