Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize