I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
