There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
