Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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