Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
