would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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