Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
