so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize