I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
